eerily ghost-like hand reaching out to touch glass

Lately I’ve been noticing a pattern and I’m curious if you experience it too. One that always knocks me out and blindsides me…

I like to call it the vanishing friend syndrome (AKA “Ghosting” in the dating world. )

Sometimes it occurs when a crisis strikes and you notice some people in your life just bail. They disappear. Vanish into thin air. No calls. No texts. No card or casserole.

Or maybe it happens when the BIG WIN occurs. The long awaited newborn baby makes her appearance. Or you landed the big deal or new house. Or you meet the love of your life. And that one friend, the one who adores you and has spent late nights with you never appears to hug you or high five you. No “atta girl” or “atta boy” love.

Just crickets.

Honestly, it drives me nuts. It shakes me to my core, leaving a huge impact, having me question the level of our connection. “Were we really ever that close?”

So I ask you to notice if you are that person. The one who turns into a ghost. The one who shows up…until you don’t.

What is the payoff of bailing? And what is it costing you?

For me I’m drawing new boundaries for myself around this style of friendship. Here’s how it goes:

First, I pay attention when it happens and inquire what the deal is directly with my friend. I let the person know the impact and see if there is room for growth.

Second, I try not to take it personally and practice radical acceptance when someone shows me that they are a ghoster. No trying to change them. I just love them.

Third, I don’t count on my vanishing friends. I just appreciate them when they show up and are present and continue to build a tribe of amazing friends that are consistent and that I can always count on.

Let me know what you think in the comments below. I read every one of em!

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About The Author

Amy Ahlers's picture

Amy Ahlers, the Wake-Up Call Coach and bestselling author, is on a mission to stop women from being so darn hard on themselves. Since 2000, she has been an International Certified Success Coach, the CEO of Wake-Up Call Coaching, and co-founder of Inner Mean Girl Reform School with Christine Arylo, Visionary Ignition Switch with Lissa Rankin, and Find Your Calling with Lissa Rankin and Martha Beck. Her newest passion is supporting moms to embrace the whole truth of motherhood, messiness, and magic with the Mama Truth Circle.

Amy has been a featured expert on lots of TV & radio shows, and for media outlets like ABC, FOX, The Washington Post, and The Huffington Post. She loves lighting up the stage at events where she wakes people up to the voice of their Inner Wisdom and helps them cultivate the courage to act on it. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter, inspiring women to find the everyday sacred.

Her first book, Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves: Ditch your Inner Critic and Wake Up Your Inner Superstar (New World Library, 2011), shot up to #1 in several categories on Amazon, including Self-Help, Happiness, and Self-Esteem. Her next book,  Reform Your Inner Mean Girl: 7 Steps to Stop Bullying Yourself and Start Loving Yourself, she co-wrote with Christine Arylo and is due out in April of 2015 from Beyond Words.

A 2010 recipient of the Women Who Dare Award from Girls Inc., she holds a BA from the University of California, earned the CPCC designation from The Coaches Training Institute, and is a Master Coach Equivalent. Amy is known best for her unconditional love, relentless enthusiasm, and kick ass truth telling. You can often find Amy in the San Francisco Bay Area holding hands with her husband, Rob, as they run after their firecracker daughters, Annabella and Evie Rose.

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