3 toxic habits that ruin your inner peace, steal your joy, and hijack your success – and how to transform them.

Have you ever noticed that no matter how much you get done in a day, there always seems to be more to do? Or that no matter how successful you are, there’s always someone achieving more? Or that instead of feeling happy and celebrating your accomplishments, you feel more pressure and anxiety to get further ahead?

Most women today give an extraordinary amount of their time, energy, and care to everything and everyone else – their jobs, kids, families, communities, friends, projects. With all this giving and achieving you would think most women would be extraordinarily happy and fulfilled. But, the shocking fact is that women today are less happy than women in the 1970s who had less opportunity, less freedom, and less choice.

If you feel stress and pressure, are harder on yourself than anyone else could ever be, feeling like you never do enough or measure up, you are experiencing what is called ‘self-bullying.’

Self-bullying is when you push yourself to do things that are not in your best interest, criticizing yourself with harsh judgments. As a result, you sabotage your happiness, success, and well being.  Sound familiar?

You are not alone. All women bully themselves, they just don’t talk about it. Self-bullying starts as young as 6 in our girls. Left unchecked a girl will grow up and continue to make choices throughout her adult life in her relationships, career, and health that don’t make her happy.

How do you stop bullying yourself and start supporting yourself to make the choices that actually lead to your happiness and health? How do you start modeling self-love?

Self-bullying is when you push yourself to do things that are not in your best interest

You start by changing your habits from self-sabotaging to self-loving.

Following are three common self-sabotaging habits among women. Notice which are true for you and then use the self-love antidote in your daily life and notice how your happiness rises.

#1 Self-Sabotaging Habit:  Comparison

Your mind is going crazy comparing you to another person who is more successful, farther along, or more together than you, making you feel inferior. It’s like you have an inner Comparison Queen inside your head, measuring your success against another person, making you feel like you are not measuring up. 

Self-Love Antidote: Inspiration. Ask yourself, “What about this person do I admire or wish was true about me?” What you admire about someone else is also present inside of you. When you compare yourself, what’s happening is a part of you that wants to be expressed is trying to get your attention. To break the negative self talk, reach out to the person you are comparing yourself to and tell them how they inspire you. Then explore how you want to start expressing this part of yourself more.  

#2 Self-Sabotaging Habit: Over-Giving

You have a lot going on in your life taking care of everything and everyone else, you have no bandwidth left. But someone asks you if you can help out. You want to say, “No, I don’t have the space.” You can feel that taking anything more on will over load you. But as if there is an inner Good Girl inside your head saying, “You have to say yes, or they won’t like you … they need your help,” you say “Yes I can,” and immediately you know you have just sold yourself out and sacrificed your happiness. You are an over-giver.

Self-Love Antidote: Just say No and Trust The Universe Will Handle It. In the moments when you are be asked to help or do more and you know your truth is that you don’t have space, take a few deep breaths, remind yourself that your plate is full and that the universe will find someone who has room on their plate. Then respond, without guilt or explanation, “I can’t right now.”

#3 Self-Sabotaging Habit:  Trying to Do Too Much In One Day

You’ve just started your day and you already have twenty things to accomplish, and deep down you know it’s humanly impossible to get them all done. But your Inner Doing Addict has convinced you that you can get through the list. So you work like an energizer bunny gone mad all day, and come 8pm you’ve not accomplished half of what you set out to. You were set up to fail, and now you feel like a failure.

Self-Love Antidote: Just Do Enough Each Day. When you feel yourself moving into overdrive to get it all done, stop, and ask yourself, “What would enough look like? What three things could I do that would be enough?” Imagine moving the rest to another day. With only those 3 things on your mind, you’re guaranteed to get more done, and find time to have a life too!


After working with over 30,000 women and girls around the world, Christine Arylo & Amy Ahlers have identified 13 types of inner bullies specific to women. They call these “Inner Mean Girl Archetypes," including the Doing Addict, Comparison Queen and Good Girl. To find out which Inner Mean Girl is sabotaging you, take the free and fun quiz at www.InnerMeanGirlQuiz.com - which will give you a full report ranking all 13 types and provide specific tools you can use to de-activate these inner forces when they attack and try to sabotage you.

Brand Category: 

About The Author

Amy Ahlers's picture

Amy Ahlers, the Wake-Up Call Coach and bestselling author, is on a mission to stop women from being so darn hard on themselves. Since 2000, she has been an International Certified Success Coach, the CEO of Wake-Up Call Coaching, and co-founder of Inner Mean Girl Reform School with Christine Arylo, Visionary Ignition Switch with Lissa Rankin, and Find Your Calling with Lissa Rankin and Martha Beck. Her newest passion is supporting moms to embrace the whole truth of motherhood, messiness, and magic with the Mama Truth Circle.

Amy has been a featured expert on lots of TV & radio shows, and for media outlets like ABC, FOX, The Washington Post, and The Huffington Post. She loves lighting up the stage at events where she wakes people up to the voice of their Inner Wisdom and helps them cultivate the courage to act on it. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter, inspiring women to find the everyday sacred.

Her first book, Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves: Ditch your Inner Critic and Wake Up Your Inner Superstar (New World Library, 2011), shot up to #1 in several categories on Amazon, including Self-Help, Happiness, and Self-Esteem. Her next book,  Reform Your Inner Mean Girl: 7 Steps to Stop Bullying Yourself and Start Loving Yourself, she co-wrote with Christine Arylo and is due out in April of 2015 from Beyond Words.

A 2010 recipient of the Women Who Dare Award from Girls Inc., she holds a BA from the University of California, earned the CPCC designation from The Coaches Training Institute, and is a Master Coach Equivalent. Amy is known best for her unconditional love, relentless enthusiasm, and kick ass truth telling. You can often find Amy in the San Francisco Bay Area holding hands with her husband, Rob, as they run after their firecracker daughters, Annabella and Evie Rose.

Add new comment

To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.
CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether or not you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
12 + 1 =
Solve this simple math problem and enter the result. E.g. for 1+3, enter 4.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.